Why I am...

Dave Matthews has a song called “why I am." If you have never heard it, it is a great song and he has some very insightful lyrics. He doesn’t seem to be questioning why he is; however, “why I am” is a daring question. I set out in January with the intention of investigating “why I am.” Why I am afraid of what scares me, why I am annoyed by certain people, why I find forgiving people hard, why I love to have things my way… It sounded like a simple enough endeavor, but it has turned out to be a much more epic journey then I ever imagined. In fact, it has turned into a journey of soul discovery and the pursuit of a bigger question then just why I am the way I am. It has blossomed into the desire to find out why I am here. You know, here? Here on earth, here with the people who are in my life, here having a great time and here enduring the pain of being human just like everyone else? Ultimately I have embarked on a journey to fulfill my calling.

One thing that has been revealed to me thus far on my quest for “why I am,” is that the road to this discovery is long, steep and can be overgrown with brush. One of my first lessons is also reflected in another line from Dave’s song (I hope he doesn’t mind if we are on a first name basis). He seems to be alerting us to the Truth that we are all our own “slave and master at the same damn time.” To quote a teacher I have had “we are all head cases”. We are so locked up in our heads and the stories we tell ourselves, that we quite literally become enslaved to our thoughts. The incessant fear, chatter and fictions our minds control us with make us forget that we are the master not the slave. We become a slave to the masterful bully of our head. Intuition, gut feelings and dreams are lost to the master with the bullhorn blasting in between our ears. “Yes master” becomes the answer even when we know otherwise. I have come to understand that in order to get out of my own way, I need to fire the master and set free the slave.

I have discovered that there are ways to take the bullhorn away from this master. However, the master in charge knows that if you figure this out, s/he looses her/his power (and the prized megaphone, because face it, who doesn’t want a megaphone and a captive audience?). The way to freedom is to enter what Jung called the Shadow. Quite simply, your shadow is made up of the parts of you that you don’t yet know. It is these parts that hold the megaphone and keep you from the daring question of “why I am.”

So, I have been searching the shadows, an interesting place to visit. Jung said “anyone who perceives his (or her) Shadow and his (or her) light simultaneously sees himself from two sides and thus gets in the middle.” Like I said, an interesting place to sit for a bit- between the shadow and the light of you. This space gives you great insight into what has been your motivation up until that point. Like my friend Mr. Matthews says (last quote I promise), “out of my head and into the room, hello.” Hello indeed. If you so desire to sojourn out of your head and into the room your shadow will need to be addressed. You will need to introduce yourself to your fear, your powerful clinging to your habits and sit between your shadow and your light; only then can you emancipate the understanding of “why I am.”

Video from Youtube of "Why I am"
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abojlsa5-0U

Gratitude...

Recently Caroline Myss, one of my great teachers in this lifetime wrote a “note” about an encounter she had in Seattle. She was staying at a posh hotel, and as she went through the wide doors being held open for her by the doormen, an elderly homeless woman dressed in bags, bent and worn by life, passed by her stopping her in her tracks. One of Caroline’s many projects in this life is her passion to help the homeless. Her generous gift of sharing this profound moment in her life and the questions that arose from it incited some of my own. Mine orbited about gratitude. Whenever we encounter situations like this it is hard not to look away, duck our heads and walk away from it muttering to ourselves a little prayer of thanks that we are not in the same situation. We say we are grateful for our safe, comfy life but what do we do to show it besides say it?

Gratitude is a word, a state, an idea that can often be misused in my opinion. When people speak of gratitude and what they are grateful for, they often speak of their feelings of gratefulness with an air of fear: “I am grateful it was not my child that got ill”, or “I am grateful that I have a warm house this winter” and then they bow their head not to “see” beyond this fear and their own relief that whatever challenge found someone else had not found them first. This fear is often generated by the misguided idea that if they fully see the problems in this world it will somehow invite them into their lives. So, they mask this fear in the word of gratitude.

I think gratitude is not just a word, it is an action. Being grateful is acknowledging the grace in your life and spreading it, not hiding behind it. Being grateful goes beyond giving thanks; it is spreading thanks. If we all are as truly grateful as we say and think we are, then why do we not help our neighbors more, why do we turn away from the pain we see in the world? Why do we not ask ourselves these questions? Call ourselves on the fiction that we continually tell ourselves when we turn our heads? Gratitude takes strength, self reflection and bravery. I say, be bold, see the world, ask yourself questions and live in a field of grace that perpetuates gratitude not one that hides behind it.

People don’t usually say, “I must find a way to express my thankfulness.” They say I must find a way to express my gratitude.” This is telling; it takes gratitude and manifests it into the physical; it creates an action with sentiment, not just a state of being. It challenges you to get out of your head. Living in gratitude is indeed a practice. One I try to be mindful of each day. A practice is just that, something you practice. Not something you just do and get over with, but something you make mistakes with, forget some days or ignore. But that is the beauty of it. The more you practice it, the more it becomes a way of life. These are not just questions that I pose to you but to myself as well, and these are the thoughts on gratitude that have been rattling around in my head…yours?