The Rattling In My Head

Whisper to a Scream

2011-10-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

Most of the time we find ourselves going through life on auto pilot. Caught and comforted by the routine of daily life, responsibilities, our stress, our shifting emotions, our boredom and the drama that we create in our lives with the people we love. We ignore the whisper we could hear if we stopped for one moment and chose to listen. Life is fleeting, precious and quite literally you don’t know what is waiting for you. Each breath is all you truly have. No wonder we keep our heads full of chatter, our focus scattered and serve our swirling emotions and fears day in and day out.

If we truly allowed ourselves to hear the whispers we would have to evolve and be present to a Truth that annihilates our illusions of control and justification. We would let in an understanding that life can be “same ole same ole” in one breath, and in the next, life ceases to be recognizable at all.

My family is traversing this right now; the impossibility of losing someone who was working and fine days ago and is now on the edge, in the process of transition from this life. It leaves me quietly reflective and consumed by the surreal state of loss, the weight of the fragility of life, and the importance of how I use each breath I have. Sitting with these whispers which at the moment, possess the cacophonous traits and volume of a scream, allow it to all sink in: Kiss those you love, contact those you miss, let go of stubbornness, judgment and fear. Listen generously, say what you mean and mean what you say, give without expectation, help before you are asked, and live as fearless of a life as you can.

I know...easier said than done....

Someone close to me wrote in his blog a profound echoing these ideas:

A walk through the trees along the river at first light carries the possibility of a restored clarity. Perhaps like the simplicity of standing before a judge and receiving a death sentence:

“On this day, at dawn,
you shall be hanged by the neck
until you are dead.”

A knowledge that ought to produce gratitude for another day, one would think. Though on most, I confess, it does not shake me free from the ephemeral disquiet swirling around inside of me.
Today,
for a few rarified moments,
it did…

zjm

May today hold “rarified moments” of understanding, of grace, of love and a knowing that tomorrow is not a promise. It is a gift.

Blessings Jim. I am honored to have known you.

Communing with Angels

2011-07-16T16:10:00.001-07:00

It is not because angels are holier than men or devils that makes them angels, but because they do not expect holiness from one another, but from God alone.
William Blake

"You are not here to play it safe, You are here to start fires." -sb

2011-05-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

Her Names

By Sera Beak

God’s Wife

Buddha’s Buddhette

Shiva’s Shakti

Mohammad’s Missus

J.C.’s Magdalene

El’s Asherah

Great Spirit’s Snuggle Bunny

Our Mother Who Aren’t Only in Heaven

The Great SheBang

Yo Mama

She She Powa

Madame Mojo

Soul Sista

he Original Redvolutionary

The Secret Lineage Hopper

The Holy Grail Grinner

The Ecstatic Exclamation Point After All That Is

The Forecast of Fire

The Numinous Naughty

The Freak Flagger

The Licking Lifeforce

The Everlasting Embrace

The Casual Fridays of Spiritual Life

The Engagement Ring’er

The Cornucopia of Compassion

The Creative Cause (and Effect)

The Constant Offering

The Inner Ruption

The Cardinal Rule Breaker

The Red Thread

The Queen Bee

The Snake Charmer

The Mama Bear Hug

The One Who Plays Powerfully

The One Who Shakes Certainty, Bakes Boldness, and Wakes Wisdom

The Influx of Inspiration

The Flood of Freedom

The Ultimate Blasphemy

The Heretic’s Heart Pump

Your Name In Scarlett Letters

The Embodiment of Embodiment

The Reddest Rose

The Post Partum Passion Flower

The Popped Cosmic Cherry

Profundity’s Panty Raider

The Red Light District of Divinity

Ass Consciousness

Laughter’s Lubricant

Wonder’s Woman

Creation’s Centerfold

Beauty’s Compass

Salvation’s Striptease

Duality’s Smooch

Non Duality’s Life Coach

Orthodoxy’s Heart Attack

Lightning’s Lingerie

The Dispenser of Delight

The Grace Smuggler

The Prophetesses Present

The Seductress of the Senses

The Skin Saver

The Flesh Frisker

The Spine Waver

The Tail Blazer

The Dark Dame

The Shady Lady

Your Guttural Instinct

The Earth’s Perfume

The One Who Alters Every Altar

The Seventh Veil Dropper

The Ultimate Groin Grabber

The Wonder From Down Under

Our Lady of Horny Holiness

The Dominatrix of Doubt

The Most Experienced Lover of Us All

The North and South Pole Dancer

Star Light Star Bright, The Very First SuperStar Who Knows Her Might

The Sound of Your Music

The Red Hot Chilli Pepper

The Booty Shaker

The Ever-Coming Reminder of Raw Reality

The Silent Roar

The Sacred Rager

The Deviant Destructress of Anything That Keeps You Small

The Cosmic Permission Slip to Be Your All

The Ripest, Juiciest Forbidden Fruit

The Angel Who Wears Prada

The Devil Who Wears Paradox

The Virgin of Las Vegas

The Whore of the Vatican

The One Who Makes Love for a Living

The One Who Turns Tricks For Transformation

The One Who Makes Dogma Faint

The One Who Makes Fire Sweat

The One Who Longs to Touch and Be Touched

The Queen of Hearts

Your Absolute Adoration

The One Who Laughs Inappropriately

The One Who Has Nothing to Hide (but has always been hidden)

The One Who Scares All Major (and most minor) Religions

The One You Were Taught to Mistrust

The Sassy Soundbiter

The One Who Understands the Power of Adornment

The One Who Boogies in Your Body

The One Who Decorates Your Dreams

The One Who Turns Your Shadows into Puppets

The One That Mud Wrestles Spirit (and wins)

The One That Feels…Everything

The One Who is Furious At What We Have Done to Her Planet

The One Who Begs Your Breath Into Your Belly

The One You Never Have to Clean Yourself Up For

The One Who Wants ALL of You

(your light, your dark, your issues, your insecurities, your strengths, your weaknesses, your childhood wounds, your adult successes, your personality, your complexes, your truth, your beauty, your crap, your bad hair, and your sparkling eyes)

On Her Dance Floor

The One Who Demands Your Entire Heart to Live In and Your Entire Life

Love

The One Who Misses You

The One Who Aches For You

The One That Knows You

The One That Embraces You

The One That Unleashes You

The One That Lives For You and In You and Through You and As You…

that’s right

The One Who Can Be Found in the Next Closest Mirror if You Wink Just Right

This day my mother set sail...

2011-05-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

WHEN A GOOD MOTHER SAILS FROM THIS WORLD

When I say, ‘My mother has died’,
I mean my ‘most beloved’.
Leave me to myself now,
for I am a ship who’s
lost her riggings;
suddenly
come unmoored.

My mother has died;
She has earned her rest now,
waiting only, and proudly so,
for her sails
to be taken down.

I, the daughter,
see to the mending of my mother’s sails;
I seek her
worn and broken
threads of light,
reweaving her dazzling linen.

And though there be broken threads
not able to be rewoven,
I will gently pull the edges together
and stitch one side to the other…
and if not able to be mended,
then I will patch with parts
from my own most earnest life
over the places where my mother’s life
was worn through,
. . . or never was.

Over time, the sails of the mothership
will be fitted to the daughtership;
raised up on the mainsail,
and the final touch -
the red ragged flag – hers -
will be flying topmast of my ship.

I’ll be let down into the waters then,
I, the daughter, will glide again…
but this time, under the best sails
inherited from my mother…
and all the mothers of the motherlines
before her.

Ay, Mother, let me tell you
my treasured dearie-dear,
one last thing I have learned
from your spirit passing through me
as sparkling shadow passes
through darkening shadow,
on this open night-sea journey…

I am learning to navigate
by the mysteries of the farthest stars -
the ones that the great wake of your passing
has revealed to me
for the very first time.

by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

In Honor of the few brave enough to let go to catch the next bar...

2011-02-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”

~Joseph Campbell

"Living your life requires a backbone, not a wishbone."

Caroline Myss

FAITH

2011-01-18T08:30:00.000-08:00

"Faith is the power to stand up to the madness and chaos of the physical world while holding the position that nothing external has any authority over what heaven has in mind for you."

Caroline Myss

Sucking the finger or following it?

2011-01-12T11:47:00.000-08:00

A common error is to mistake the symbol for the reality, to look at the finger pointing the way and then to suck it for comfort rather than follow it.

Alan Watts (1915 - 1973)

Following one's path can be a frighting endeavor--
Most of us wander the path with no compass, the way overgrown, thorny and full of forks. This can leave us either sitting by the wayside scratching our head wondering which way to go, or hacking through with a machete. Others find their feet on a path with clearly marked signs...a finger pointing the way...and this can be just as daunting as being lost in the pucker brush.

Following the finger pointing the way requires you to take steps down your path only seeing a few feet in front of you--trusting there is no quicksand you will get stuck in or a precipice you will teeter off of into ruin. Sometimes it is tempting to just sit under the finger, stay with it, suck it for comfort as Alan Watts says, rather than boldly, blindly follow the way it points you towards. No matter how much we beg, a map with our destination is never provided by the finger...only the direction to take and the requirement that you set forth or continue on with faith and bravery. Bon voyage!

Do The Impossible...

2010-01-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

Who decides what is possible and what is not? For most of us, what is possible is constructed in our minds and set as fact and never questioned. What we are capable of lives in the illusion of being finite. We tend to live in the restrictive parameters of our self and socially imposed limits and the confines of reason. My mother always told me “anything is possible.” This has been one of the greatest of the many gifts she gave me, and only now am I gaining an understanding of the power of this assertion she spoke to me.

As a child, it seemed, well, impossible that anything was possible. My brother and I would quiz my mother endlessly about this "unreasonable" statement that she frequently imposed on our young minds. We would think up the most unlikely occurrences our young selves could muster, and quiz her and her bold assertion—“Can it snow in the summer? Can animals talk? Can people fly?” The answer was always the same…"Anything is possible!"

The older I got, the more the idea of infinite possibility dimmed to a somewhat absurd proposition in my adult awareness. What I saw as possible became steadfast by the outer world and unquestioned in my mind. What seeped into my thinking were the commonly held ideals of the limitations that we human beings cling to. Limits, borders and impossibilities crisscrossed my world and disguised themselves as common sense, safety and reason. In my adult life, when I would complain to my mother about the limits I encountered, my frustrations and self doubts her maddening reply was -- “anything is possible.” My reaction to that then frustrating answer became one of contempt, “how could an educated, mature woman still believe such an idea? Does she not have eyes? Can she not see the limits of this world?"

I have come to understand now that her vision was keen. And what she saw was not limited to her eyes and mind but that her insistence that all is possible was seen through the lens of her soul. This wisdom my mother presented me with recently became a glowing and profound seed in my consciousness. A seed that has germinated within me and has brought me back to my childhood questions of what is possible. So, on New Year’s Eve, I did the “impossible.” I walked on fire!

To the reasoning mind fire walking seems reckless, dangerous and an impossibility that bare feet could do such an act. However, I am here, feet intact to tell you that it is possible and for that matter, my mother was right. Anything is possible. Our minds, our precious reasons, and our fears are the only limits holding us back, and they ensnare us like a steel trap! I have been examining these traps for the past year or so and as I came upon my fortieth birthday last April, I felt called to walk on the coals. The past decade was a tumultuous one for me. Many times I felt it grabbed me by my feet and dragged me through a bed of hot coals; so the deeper I came to understand the limits I existed in and held for myself, the more I longed to break through them. Instead of being dragged, I wanted to walk upon the coals; a symbolic act carried out physically that would break the chains of my self-imposed limitations. I wanted to do the impossible, and I did.

Now I not only pass on the wisdom and seemingly frustrating reply that anything is possible to my kids, but they have witnessed it as well. Yes, they think I am nuts! They roll their eyes when I proclaim that anything is possible and tell them to examine why they think they can’t do something instead of just accept the illusion. But the seed of infinite possibility is planted within them, as it is in you as well. Examine your perceived limits, examine what you think is impossible and then do it. Walk through fire! Make a resolution this year to do the impossible and see where it takes you.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

If you ever want to fire walk contact my friend Stephanie Foy Email: stephaniefoy@aol.com
She is a Certified Firewalk Instructor and a practitioner of Shamanic Medicine, Theta Healing and CranioSacral Therapy. She dedicates her life to healing, she believes in and is passionate about the innate power of the human spirit.

The best laid plans...

2009-11-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard the saying “...the best laid schemes of mice and men [and women!] go often askew?” I think we all know this somewhere deep in our consciousness and it scares us to our soul. Planning gives us the comfortable illusion that we have some control of our lives. We are so good at it and so dependent on our plans that when they often go askew we cling to them like mice on a sinking ship. Even when the threat of the sea swallowing us is imminent, we worry about abandoning our carefully laid plans. The ship may be going down, but at least the route is clear and visible. Who knows where you will end up if you jump ship and embrace your intention to live? The unknown is a scary destination.

There are a lot of ways that our plans can get interrupted by the unforeseen events of life. Illness, accident and death are some biggies. But there are some others that are easier to overlook that can scare the pants off of us too: new opportunities, options that present themselves to us that were not considered and good fortune-these have the ability to derail our plans as well.

I started thinking about this a few weeks ago after I ran into a friend I had not seen in a while. As we stood in a parking lot catching up and commiserating about school work, and the speed of life, a revelation jumped from her mouth. She thought she might be pregnant. Now this possibility did not fit well into her life’s “plan” at the moment. She was a bit panicked because of what an unplanned pregnancy would do to her life, her plans for a career, her family and to top it all off she never saw it coming. All turned out well for her and as of now her plans are still on course. But this conversation reminded me of how much importance we tend to give our plans and how the potential of them being disrupted can send us spiraling into panic and fear. I find this idea illuminating because I find myself at a different crossroad with my plans.

I set out with the plan of going to graduate school over a year ago. The application process did not go as planned; I did not get into the school I had wanted to go to but all seemed to work out for the best. I accepted and enrolled in a program I was excited about, they gave me a small scholarship and my plan plugged along on course. So, this fall I embarked on the road to a Master’s degree. I planned on completing it in a year and seeing where it brought me, most likely to pursuing a Ph. D.—that was the plan.

Now I find myself somewhere I never expected. Graduate school seems to be providing me with something much more than an academic education and a possible career. What I am discovering is an unforeseen opportunity that was not part of my original plan; the opportunity to see clearly where my focus lies and disturbingly enough I am finding it is not in the academic realm. This is an unexpected wrench in my carefully laid plan. This unforeseen wrench has now developed into a challenge for me. Am I brave enough to step away from a clear path that is void of my passion and my careful laid scheme? Will I embark on a new path that is not mapped and is by all means uncertain? This path will not provide me with an accredited transcript to further my career options but, instead, will demand that I step out on my own into the unknown and pursue my vocation. A vocation that is yet to be named -- scary stuff. But one I think I must pursue.

The Buddhists warn us that suffering in this life is caused by our clinging. Clinging to ideas that no longer serve us, clinging to anger, clinging to our “…best laid schemes that often go askew.” And when these schemes go askew, we have a choice on how to interpret them. We can see them through the eyes of fear and hold tight to them for all we’ve got; holding fast to them because for many the unknown is worse than the suffering of clinging. Or we can face the fear, release ourselves from the original plan with a blessing and step away from it onto the path of the unknown. Our fear will do its best to present us with every possible danger that could potentially be ahead. But in my mind, this seems the better option than clinging to a plan that has served its purpose. Even if it is not the purpose or outcome you originally planned...

Excerpt from To a Mouse by Robert Burns

But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!
Still you are blest, compared with me!
The present only touches you:
But oh! I backward cast my eye,
On prospects dreary!
And forward, though I cannot see,
I guess and fear!

“My heart has spread its sails to the idle winds for the shadowy island of anywhere…”
Tagore Radindranath

Why I am...

2009-10-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

Dave Matthews has a song called “why I am." If you have never heard it, it is a great song and he has some very insightful lyrics. He doesn’t seem to be questioning why he is; however, “why I am” is a daring question. I set out in January with the intention of investigating “why I am.” Why I am afraid of what scares me, why I am annoyed by certain people, why I find forgiving people hard, why I love to have things my way… It sounded like a simple enough endeavor, but it has turned out to be a much more epic journey then I ever imagined. In fact, it has turned into a journey of soul discovery and the pursuit of a bigger question then just why I am the way I am. It has blossomed into the desire to find out why I am here. You know, here? Here on earth, here with the people who are in my life, here having a great time and here enduring the pain of being human just like everyone else? Ultimately I have embarked on a journey to fulfill my calling.

One thing that has been revealed to me thus far on my quest for “why I am,” is that the road to this discovery is long, steep and can be overgrown with brush. One of my first lessons is also reflected in another line from Dave’s song (I hope he doesn’t mind if we are on a first name basis). He seems to be alerting us to the Truth that we are all our own “slave and master at the same damn time.” To quote a teacher I have had “we are all head cases”. We are so locked up in our heads and the stories we tell ourselves, that we quite literally become enslaved to our thoughts. The incessant fear, chatter and fictions our minds control us with make us forget that we are the master not the slave. We become a slave to the masterful bully of our head. Intuition, gut feelings and dreams are lost to the master with the bullhorn blasting in between our ears. “Yes master” becomes the answer even when we know otherwise. I have come to understand that in order to get out of my own way, I need to fire the master and set free the slave.

I have discovered that there are ways to take the bullhorn away from this master. However, the master in charge knows that if you figure this out, s/he looses her/his power (and the prized megaphone, because face it, who doesn’t want a megaphone and a captive audience?). The way to freedom is to enter what Jung called the Shadow. Quite simply, your shadow is made up of the parts of you that you don’t yet know. It is these parts that hold the megaphone and keep you from the daring question of “why I am.”

So, I have been searching the shadows, an interesting place to visit. Jung said “anyone who perceives his (or her) Shadow and his (or her) light simultaneously sees himself from two sides and thus gets in the middle.” Like I said, an interesting place to sit for a bit- between the shadow and the light of you. This space gives you great insight into what has been your motivation up until that point. Like my friend Mr. Matthews says (last quote I promise), “out of my head and into the room, hello.” Hello indeed. If you so desire to sojourn out of your head and into the room your shadow will need to be addressed. You will need to introduce yourself to your fear, your powerful clinging to your habits and sit between your shadow and your light; only then can you emancipate the understanding of “why I am.”

Video from Youtube of "Why I am"
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Abojlsa5-0U

Gratitude...

2009-10-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

Recently Caroline Myss, one of my great teachers in this lifetime wrote a “note” about an encounter she had in Seattle. She was staying at a posh hotel, and as she went through the wide doors being held open for her by the doormen, an elderly homeless woman dressed in bags, bent and worn by life, passed by her stopping her in her tracks. One of Caroline’s many projects in this life is her passion to help the homeless. Her generous gift of sharing this profound moment in her life and the questions that arose from it incited some of my own. Mine orbited about gratitude. Whenever we encounter situations like this it is hard not to look away, duck our heads and walk away from it muttering to ourselves a little prayer of thanks that we are not in the same situation. We say we are grateful for our safe, comfy life but what do we do to show it besides say it?

Gratitude is a word, a state, an idea that can often be misused in my opinion. When people speak of gratitude and what they are grateful for, they often speak of their feelings of gratefulness with an air of fear: “I am grateful it was not my child that got ill”, or “I am grateful that I have a warm house this winter” and then they bow their head not to “see” beyond this fear and their own relief that whatever challenge found someone else had not found them first. This fear is often generated by the misguided idea that if they fully see the problems in this world it will somehow invite them into their lives. So, they mask this fear in the word of gratitude.

I think gratitude is not just a word, it is an action. Being grateful is acknowledging the grace in your life and spreading it, not hiding behind it. Being grateful goes beyond giving thanks; it is spreading thanks. If we all are as truly grateful as we say and think we are, then why do we not help our neighbors more, why do we turn away from the pain we see in the world? Why do we not ask ourselves these questions? Call ourselves on the fiction that we continually tell ourselves when we turn our heads? Gratitude takes strength, self reflection and bravery. I say, be bold, see the world, ask yourself questions and live in a field of grace that perpetuates gratitude not one that hides behind it.

People don’t usually say, “I must find a way to express my thankfulness.” They say I must find a way to express my gratitude.” This is telling; it takes gratitude and manifests it into the physical; it creates an action with sentiment, not just a state of being. It challenges you to get out of your head. Living in gratitude is indeed a practice. One I try to be mindful of each day. A practice is just that, something you practice. Not something you just do and get over with, but something you make mistakes with, forget some days or ignore. But that is the beauty of it. The more you practice it, the more it becomes a way of life. These are not just questions that I pose to you but to myself as well, and these are the thoughts on gratitude that have been rattling around in my head…yours?